I was afraid to hang out with my friends because my clothes aren't nice enough. That was my reason.
My friends would invite me to travel with them, or dine with them, or spend time with them, and I would be afraid to go. I deemed myself not good enough - unworthy.
I almost stopped myself from doing things with them because I was scared.
On one of our trips, one of these friends confided in me that she was afraid to travel with me and our friends because, she said, 'you have interesting jobs.' Mind you, this woman - my beautiful friend - is an incredibly talented artist who volunteers and spreads joy simply by who she is.
When she shared this with me, I almost cried. The shock and sadness that overcame me rocked my soul. To think that we may not have shared this time together because of our fears of unworthiness, of not 'being good enough.'
We are all human. We really do have the same fears. They are just packaged differently.
There were many times, in my younger years, when my fears DID stop me. I was so afraid I was not worthy, and that I would be judged, that I wouldn't do the thing - it was easier to just stay home.
That's not living.
Living is facing that fear in the doorway and seeing what unfolds once I walk through the door, leaving the fear behind.
Doing that over and over reduces and even eliminates the fear.
Living. I'm doing it more and more now.
I love it!!
©Catherine Borowski 2019
If God is love, why was I taught to be afraid of him?
Listening, completely and openheartedly, is a skill and a talent. Actively listening to a person can change what is heard.
All 'good' things must come to an end. All 'bad' things must come to an end.
What makes it 'good' and what makes it 'bad,' anyway?
News flash: There isn't another shoe! Stop waiting for it to drop.
I owe it to myself to live my values.
My suffering is not your fault.
My suffering is MY responsibility.
I decide what triggers me, what angers me, what upsets me. I can resolve it allllll within myself. It's not up to you, it's up to ME.
Remember permanent waves? That hair process back in the hideous hair decade known as the 80s.... Yeah. Those waves were never permanent.
NOTHING is permanent. N-o-t-h-i-n-g.
Everything that is alive is dependent upon something, or someone, else to sustain it.
If everyone is a victim, no one is a victim.
Now it's your turn. Please add your musings to this list!
Cheers and love,
C'mon. Let's have some FUN!
Alan Alda received the SAG Lifetime Achievement Award last weekend. In his acceptance speech, after the prolonged applause, after reminiscences and thank yous, Alan said, "My wish for all of us is let's stay playful, let's have fun and let's keep searching."
Y-E-A-H! Let's have fun! Let's stay playful! Such simple statements. Such wisdom and truth in those words.
When I read the newspaper, listen to the radio, overhear conversations, there's not much playfulness anymore. Not many light, uplifting stories. Everything seems heavy, cumbersome. People are petrified of saying the wrong words, being judged and labeled. People live in fear.
It's tough to have fun while living in fear.
I remember when things were lighter. I laughed more often. I wasn't afraid to say things. People weren't so serious, so troubled. It wasn't that long ago.
Alan Alda also (in a recent interview) reminisced about playing 'Hawkeye Pierce' in M*A*S*H. He remarked that he felt lucky to be part of something that made such a tremendous impression on the culture and was grateful for the opportunities he received after M*A*S*H. And then he said, "I don't think about it much because I don't think about the past. I just do what I'm doing in the moment."
WOW. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Alan Alda was the star of one of the biggest hit television series of all time, and he doesn't even think about it much anymore.
Because, let's face it. It's over.
The past is over. No matter how successful or unsuccessful something was, whether it was great or it was not very great, it's still over. Why live there? Why carry it around?
When I don't think about the past, I'm not carrying around a ton of bricks.
Living in the present is easy. It's carefree.
I'm not weighed down by anything.
Living right here and now is pure freedom. Like a balloon, floating skyward.
Life CAN be playful, fun, and light - when I remember that I'm the person who creates my life. I choose what to carry with me. Old, heavy memories? Nah. Fear and labels? No room for that.
My vow to myself is to LIGHTEN UP.
Even those two words:
First word - Lighten. Make lighter, less heavy. Bring light and brightness. Lighten my words, lighten my thoughts, lighten my movement.
Second word - Up. As in, lift. Pick up. Raise your arms, your eyes, UP. Towards the treetops. Lifting to the sky.
Makes me think of children, carefree, running and throwing their arms up in the air and laughing. Laughing those gleeful laughs that are music to my ears.
Makes me remember that I've gotta take a hot air balloon ride.
Thanks for that reminder, Alan.
I have the power to bring light into the world - allllll the world. You do too. Everyone does.
I'm gonna do it. And I will start by being playful and having fun. By lightening up.
©Catherine Borowski, 2019
Hi, I’m Fred.
I’m a cat.
To some people, I’m not merely a cat:
I’m a black cat.
So I get treated differently.
When some people look at me and see a black cat, they’re afraid.
They run away from me.
They think I’m bad luck.
And today is Halloween, so there is all KINDS of stuff related to me - and none of it is good!
People label me as bad.
It’s difficult for me to understand, because after all, I’m just a cat!
The color of my fur isn’t important.
I mean, is it? Really?
Calico, tabby, Russian Blue…
We’re all cats.
We all want love, and food, and belly rubs.
I ESPECIALLY like belly rubs!
I meow and purr and eat treats just like other cats.
I like to play, and I like to snuggle.
Did you know black cats are the last cats to be adopted from shelters?
Many people don’t want my kind around.
They‘re unable to see through the blackness.
Because to them, I am not simply a cat.
First and foremost, they see me as a BLACK cat.
I’m grateful because my humans love me for who I am.
The color of my fur doesn’t matter to them.
I am a cat, and I give love like all other cats.
Does the color of my fur matter?
©Catherine Borowski, 2018
It got heavy carrying around all that weight.
Their need to be right.
Their 'my way is the best way: the only way.'
Their competing with others.
They passed this on to me,
and I carried it all.
I accepted blame.
I took things personally.
I made it 'all about me.'
I lived with these patterns
for much of my life.
Funny thing is,
I never even realized they were there.
They were so much a part of me - like breathing.
Automatic responses. Knee-jerk reactions.
Done without thinking. Unconscious.
The patterns were unattractive and confining, like vertical prison stripes.
I was tired.
It was a lot to carry.
And I didn't want it - any of it.
Acknowledging these patterns existed was revelatory.
I faced them with curiosity and deliberation.
They were weighing me down, and it was time for me to remove them.
All of them.
It's a process, this pattern-shedding.
At times it's been overwhelming, horrifying, and painful.
Like there's no end in sight, because they creep up in so many places.
It's also been beautiful,
as I've recognized the need to forgive others and forgive myself.
To see their innocence, and to see their pain.
To see my innocence, and to feel my pain.
To treat them, and myself, with compassion, kindness, and love.
I hadn't really been doing much of that.
Allowing this process to unfold - shedding this energetic weight -
has created openings that are
more beautiful than I could ever have imagined.
Life, and God, just keeps on giving.
There's so much love in this process
and now I'm more able to open my eyes, and my heart, to let it in.
For much of my life, I allowed others to control my emotions.
I kept turning my power over to them, by falling back into patterns that were handed to me and which I unconsciously carried.
Today, I take my power back.
I choose to be 100% responsible for my life.
Instead of wearing those confining prison stripes,
I choose vibrant colors and polka dots.
© Catherine Borowski, 2018
We are all creators. We all create a mythological world of our own out of certain shapeless materials. -- John Cowper Powys
I'm a Master Creator.
Every day, I create my life.
Every minute is new.
Everything I'm seeing is new.
Because I am always a new person, in every minute.
How cool is THAT???
The way I move through the world, the conversations I have, the people I see - they are all new.
Nothing is the same.
I'm always changing.
Because I am always creating my life.
Through my interactions, by what I read, by what I eat, by how I move..
I am always creating newness.
And I can decide to change, and create something new, in any moment.
I love thinking about myself as a creator.
I determine my life.
I determine how I hear things and how I see things.
Others share with me how they view the world, and I listen.
We all have our unique viewpoints.
I can choose to adopt others' views of the world, of events, of people...
or I can choose my own view.
I like choosing my own view.
My view, out of my eyes.
I choose to eat food that is good for my body.
I choose to exercise so my body is strong and agile.
I choose to listen to and read things
that help me learn, grow, and expand my mind.
I choose to be with people who are uplifting and positive.
I choose to shed what no longer works for me -
whether it be objects, clothing, accessories,
thoughts, routines, ways of being.
I choose to thank God for all of it, always.
By doing all of that, I create a life I love.
I invite you to re-read this where YOU are the "I."
And then, read it to yourself every morning.
Notice what you create each day.
YOU are a Master Creator.
It wasn't always a trampoline.
It used to be the bottom of a cliff.
Something would happen, and my reaction was to jump off a proverbial cliff, crash hard, stay there a while, and then - usually with the help of drugs, alcohol, or both - I'd slowly put myself back together.
It hurt. And I kept doing it.
I met a lot of people down there, at the bottom of the cliff... we'd wallow around, complain about our injuries, pass the bottle, and dust ourselves off for another climb up.
And we'd post our travails on social media and count the likes, feeling 'less than' if we didn't get 'enough.'
It wasn't long before we'd meet again at the bottom of the cliff, old bruises and cuts healing, new ones forming. Over and over.
It was comfortable in its familiarity. But it was no way to live.
The thing is, shit happens. And I've learned that it's important to face it, accept that it happened (because I can't change it), and choose my reaction.
By facing and accepting, I'm able to slow down, notice my emotions, and feel my feelings. To be human is to feel, and squashing down my feelings only means they will eat away at me internally (via ulcers, back spasms, skin breakouts, etc.)
When I choose my reaction, it's a lot easier than being at the mercy of whatever happened. I always have a choice - even if it doesn't seem that way.
So instead of leaping off of cliffs and crashing hard, I choose to bounce.
On a virtual trampoline.
I still fall down. But I now know that I don't have to remain down, ruminating and mentally abusing myself. Instead I'm able to bounce back up.
Now, when I bounce, I bounce close to the trees - holding onto branches and hanging out there a little while, taking in the view, checking out what is possible.
Life is a lot clearer from a higher vantage point.
I think I'll build a treehouse.
©Catherine Borowski, 2018
It's all disrupted. Old systems, crumbling away. Ways of doing things are shifting. Massive upheaval.
I feel it everywhere.
My friendships are changing. Conversations have become deeper, more meaningful. I choose not to spend time in fluff, in surface stuff. My friends and I, we delve into heart and soul. Existing friendships are richer. New friends are entering my world. Friends constantly carrying negative energy have been lovingly released.
My relationships with family members are changing. I'm conscious of it, fascinated by it. It is a healthy change, and for me, a necessary change. The old patterns I used to fall into around family - they are falling away. They were comfortable, expected.. and not me. Because sometimes I would fall back into my teenaged self, my twenty-something self.. instead of bringing my real self. I am kind of awed by this change.
The way I work is changing. I am letting go and letting others in. My team is growing and is empowered. I'm amazed and in wonderment at the ease it creates.
I am not fearful of, or fighting, the changes. I am observing them. I'm noticing disparate reactions in so many other places in our world... fighting, excitement, depression, chaos. Shouting, whispering, ridiculing. Loving, understanding, embracing.
I am not judging the changes. Change happens. How I choose to experience it reflects in my eyes, in my soul, in my entire being.
I am choosing to relax around it. I choose peace, and ease. I focus on people and things that matter to me, and that is what I make matter.
As the world's pace seems to quicken, I am more focused on slowing down. Focusing on what really matters. Focusing on the change I am creating.
©Catherine Borowski, 2018
He wanted my help.
I helped myself.
I listened as my friend poured his heart out -- he was telling me about someone close to him who's an addict. He wanted to help his friend but wasn't sure how.
I listened for a long time and then had an idea. "Let's each go to a few 12-step meetings and then discuss what we learned and what we can do."
Would I go to a 12-step meeting to support my friend? Of COURSE I would!
In my mind, going to support someone who was trying to navigate his own path meant I wasn't really going for myself -- I was going 'for' someone else. It made it easier for me to walk through that doorway and into that room.
Isn't it funny, the stories we tell ourselves?
Alcoholism and addiction have woven through my life since I was a child.
I had my own struggles with alcohol until finally, in 2015, I decided to stop drinking. But I didn't do the 12 steps (or any support group) back then - I just stopped drinking that one day in August.
Fast forward to today. Sober me starts doing the 12 steps thinking that I'll just listen.. you know, to support my friend. Because I'm not really affected, after all... I mean, not that much. Right?
I didn't realize all the stuff that would come up for me while sitting there listening to the members of the group.
Not only did I see myself as I read through the 12 steps, but I saw myself in the co-dependent tendencies I had for so much of my life.
Only in the past several years have I begun shining that spotlight on myself and recognizing/admitting to behavior patterns such as
The co-dependent patterns I had -- for SO long!!
Why did I think it's easier to live life for other people??
I know why.
Because, really - it WAS easier to try and control other people’s behavior, to point out the 'faults' in others, than to look at my own self. Much easier, in fact.
By focusing on others, I didn't have to go to those dark places in myself. I didn't have to put that spotlight on me, to look at what wasn't working in my life when I was focused on other people.
If other people would just listen to me, they could fix themselves, all would be well, and we would live happily ever after.
It was only when I made a huge life change that I started to peek inside myself. I started looking to see what was inside of ME that wasn't working for me, that was slowing me down and making my life difficult. And - there was a lot.
The thing with going to those dark places is, once I shine the light there, the light remains. It remains because I've created an opening, and that light makes it less scary to go there again.
I'm recognizing old patterns and habits much more clearly. I can keep them, I can change them. I can eliminate them. Whatever works best for me now.
You know how people say that life is a journey?
It is. And even more than a journey - it's the trip of a lifetime.
And it takes our lifetime to keep discovering who we are.
Twelve steps is part of my journey.
That first step - walking through the door - that was scary. Unfamiliar.
©Catherine Borowski, 2018
My hair was a great hiding place.
Baby fine, non-descript, mousy brown, and slightly wavy.. certainly nothing to write home about. Luscious locks? Far from it.
But my hair helped me hide parts of me I didn't like. And I kept trying to make my hair into something it wasn't.
The hours spent in salons for perms in the 80s, body waves in the 90s, extensions in the 2000s, and color always. The cuts! The styles! The maintenance!
My hair has been brown, blonde, red, peach, burgundy. As a teenager I spent plenty of summers spritzing it with lemon juice from a spray bottle, desperate for those sun-kissed highlights. Citrus-smelling hair was so refreshing, wasn't it?
It has had highlights. Lowlights.
Bangs. No bangs.
Always trying to fit in with the up-to-the moment cut, color, style....
Egg white mask. Avocado mask. Vinegar rinse. Milk rinse. There was an entire menu on my head sometimes.
There was that week in October, 1982, when I had it colored, then permed, then colored again. Bozo the Clown and I could have been hair twins - I am not kidding. When I went to the store in my Halloween punk-rocker costume to get some last minute accessories, the cashier said "how'd you get your hair to look like that??" I didn't tell her that WAS my hair - not part of the costume.
And that time in 2006 when I got extensions sewn in - I could barely put my head on a pillow, because my scalp was so sore from all the pulling. After two sun-drenched vacations a short time later, my extensions dried out, got knotted, and stuck to my head like an abandoned bird's nest. They had to be cut out. Oh, well. I tried.
Over the years, it was oily. It was flyaway. It was static-y.
I teased it and coaxed it and scrunched it and shellacked it. I singed it and scorched it and pulled it and pinned it.
No wonder we had issues, my hair and I!
All those years that I tried to grow it long, and it never got much longer than shoulder length. It was almost as though it was mocking me: after everything you've done to me, why would I want to grow longer?
Still, I tried to get it to conform to how everyone else was wearing their hair. To no avail.
In the past few months, though, I began to change the way I thought about my hair.
It clearly wanted to do its own thing, and everything I tried just didn't matter anymore. It was as though it wanted to re-create itself. Start fresh. Start new.
So I started to think about shaving my head.
And yesterday morning, slowly and deliberately, I did it.
I had to start somewhere... so I simply started.
One big snip, close to my left ear, cut away six inches of hair in a random place. Ok! I am doing this.
I cut away the longest, driest, blondest parts first. The parts that had been colored, over and over. I had been trying to make it look better than my 'natural' color.
I then cut away the highlights, added to try and make my hair look 'natural.' How ironic.
As that fell away, I got to the silkier, shorter hair underneath all the colored, highlighted processed stuff. It was so much softer, very fine, and much healthier. I was shocked at how dark it was.
Then, the shit got real. The longest pieces still attached to my head were only a couple inches long. I really started to look different.
I thought about all the times I hid behind my hair. It provided a shield. When my skin would break out, I would part it on the other side to hide the blemishes. The shame - the fear of judgment because my skin wasn't 'perfect.'
And if I didn't want to look at anyone, I let it fall in my face. It was another mask. Protection. I'm afraid of you looking at me.
At this point I looked radically different.
I asked Gregory if I could use his electric trimmer. He set it to 10 and shaved off what was left.
I looked in the mirror. Holy shit.
It was fun! How many people get to see themselves pretty much bald as a cue ball? I loved it!
Then, I asked Gregory to set the trimmer to a 5 and shave my head again.
And just like that, it was done.
My hair was in a heap in the bathroom sink.
It is, um, a completely different look for me.
And there is no going back.
No way to clip in extensions. Nothing to attach to a barrette.
I was startled when I opened the vanity and realized I no longer had any use for the 9 brushes, 7 combs, 5 curling irons, 5 rattail combs, 4 bottles of hairspray, 4 shampoos, 3 round brushes, 3 conditioners, 3 hair oils, 2 teasing brushes, 2 blow dryers, 2 detanglers, 2 leave-in conditioners, 2 hair turbans, 1 glossing cream, 1 keratin lotion, 1 mousse, 1 gel, 1 heat protector spray, 1 quick drying hair towel, 1 satin pillowcase, 1 set of rollers, 1 set of flexible curlers, and countless barrettes, clips, ponytail holders, scrunchees and bobby pins.
There is a LOT of extra space in my vanity!
Other startling things I noticed after cutting off all my hair:
My cheekbones really stand out.
My entire body seems leaner.
I feel so strong!
I'm not afraid of how people might look at me.
I don't need to "fit in" - whatever that means.
I'm my own person. It's my own journey.
I shaved my head.
And it's freaking awesome.
©Catherine Borowski, 2018
Live a wealthy life.
Catherine Borowski, life coach, knows that life can be messy. And that's what keeps it interesting.