I Stopped Wearing Stripes

It got heavy carrying around all that weight.
Their stubbornness.
Their need to be right.
Their 'my way is the best way: the only way.'
Their competing with others.

They passed this on to me,
​and I carried it all. 

I accepted blame.
I took things personally.
I made it 'all about me.'

I lived with these patterns
for much of my life.
Funny thing is,
I never even realized they were there.

They were so much a part of me - like breathing. 
Automatic responses. Knee-jerk reactions.
Done without thinking. Unconscious.

The patterns were unattractive and confining, like vertical prison stripes.

I was tired.
It was a lot to carry.
And I didn't want it - any of it.

Acknowledging these patterns existed was revelatory.
I faced them with curiosity and deliberation.
They were weighing me down, and it was time for me to remove them.
All of them.

It's a process, this pattern-shedding.
At times it's been overwhelming, horrifying, and painful.
Like there's no end in sight, because they creep up in so many places.

It's also been beautiful,
as I've recognized the need to forgive others and forgive myself.
To see their innocence, and to see their pain.
To see my innocence, and to feel my pain.
To treat them, and myself, with compassion, kindness, and love.

I hadn't really been doing much of that.

Allowing this process to unfold - shedding this energetic weight -
has created openings that are
more beautiful than I could ever have imagined.
Life, and God, just keeps on giving. 
There's so much love in this process
and now I'm more able to open my eyes, and my heart, to let it in.

For much of my life, I allowed others to control my emotions.
I kept turning my power over to them, by falling back into patterns that were handed to me and which I unconsciously carried.

Today, I take my power back.
I choose to be 100% responsible for my life. 

Instead of wearing those confining prison stripes,
​I choose vibrant colors and polka dots.

I'm free.

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© Catherine Borowski, 2018
www.celebratingwealth.com

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