Ten Years Gone
Ten years is a long time. Or is it?
I was in a relationship for ten years, and it didn't work out in the end. Oh, at first it was *perfect* .. the excitement, the sexiness, the attention. After a year, it started to change. Split up, get back together, you know the drill. Get married.
I changed in those ten years.
People told me I 'lost my sparkle.' Well, I didn't exactly lose it - I just gave it away. Gave it away trying to hold it together. It was like a runny custard pie of hiding feelings, smashing down emotions, numbing, physical graffiti, fear and more fear .. yeah, all that. And also laughter and adventures and fun and being the life of the party - yes! Absolutely the life of the party. (Actually, um, I did boogie with Stu.)
I existed in that space for a long time.
Was afraid to get out, to get trampled underfoot, because the great unknown was surely scarier than where I was. So I hung on, and hung on. It was easier.
Until there was nothing left to hold on to.
Well, actually, there was nothing left for a while, but I finally stopped the night flight freefall and crashed into that nothingness and, incredibly,... I woke up. And in the aftermath, sick again, I realized I had ceased living and was merely 'existing.' I had numbed to the point of practically losing the ability to feel, had definitely lost my energy, and in my time of dying, the big lie was exposed.
In the jolt of the crash, I knew I valued myself too much to continue to 'live' that way.
And I got out.
That's when many concerned people pointed out, 'you wasted/lost ten years of your life.' Mind you, this wasn't said in a mean spirited way - in fact, it was meant to be consoling, as in 'those years are gone now. Can't get them back.' Except.. no way did I lose ten years of my life.
If I hadn't experienced what I had in those years, I would not be who I am today.
Learning the lessons I did - recognizing that I didn't have boundaries then and lived in fear and lost (no, gave away) my voice and believed I absolutely wasn't good enough and abused my body and mind and.. and.. and..
I would not change any of it. Not one thing.
Because the lessons I learned propelled me forward in a way that would have been impossible, unthinkable, had I not had those ten+ years of all of it.
In the aftermath, for several years I looked inward as I searched my soul, asked questions, opened myself up to new ways of being, visited houses of the holy, and rebuilt my relationship with God, who for many years I didn't even believe existed.
I took classes, ended friendships, relaxed down by the seaside, read a lot, stopped drinking alcohol, felt my energy come back, and wrapped myself in kashmir (a traveler of both time and space).
With new eyes, I set out on a path that I chose: possessing a clear mind, an open heart, filled with joy and devoid of all that stress, and knowing that I am exactly where I should be. I'm responsible for my happiness.
Those ten years were a gift. I am so grateful for those years.
Now I stand in the light, and create more and more and more light.
And it's shining into the world.
©Catherine Borowski 2017
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Live a wealthy life.
Catherine Borowski, life coach, knows that life can be messy. And it's through the mess that beauty emerges in the most unexpectedly brilliant ways.